My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
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*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Monica just destroyed the internet
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game