I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
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If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.