1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
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God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
File under excellent bookstore names.