My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
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I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.