Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
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Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
🤣😂🤣
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!