Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
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Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Noah
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
🤣🤣💀
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Me My dog
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people