I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
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Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Monday Lisa
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.