When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
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Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂