GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
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my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Taliband
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!