I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
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Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
My patience has stretch marks.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
haha same
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.