I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
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Mice are just frozen Mwater.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
is it earth
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Bringing home a sharpie
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”