I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
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[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.