Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
You Might Also Like
😂😂
Warm pools make me nervous.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?