the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
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Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Guys, I found it.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.