A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
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ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
THIS HEADLINE
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned