I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
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At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Schrödinger’s cookie
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.