Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
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The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
A double negative is a big no-no.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work