Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
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“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts