I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
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When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Nothing.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times