LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
You Might Also Like
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.