[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
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best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.