Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
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[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall