This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
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I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.