You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
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my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
they really do be looking like this
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.