the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
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What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Moms. The original autocorrect.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
so i’m at the stock market right
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.