Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
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Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille