sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
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Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????