Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
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My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.