Wise advice
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My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Cool shirt 🙂
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
When you “pspspsp” too hard
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.