Aight bet
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Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I would like even faster food.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok