That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
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I don’t share cheese on the first date.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.