Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
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If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Stop sending me this shit.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I have a place for everything. The floor.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard