they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
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Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
getting corrected
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime