coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
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I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?