Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
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i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.