I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
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her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy