[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
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I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
When I pack too much for a short trip.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
The glockness monster
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.