I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
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If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”