My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
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met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Harsh but fair
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐