“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
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I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body