Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
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Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*