My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
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At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do