Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”