My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
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Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that