Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
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of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I want this so bad
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.