[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
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It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.