What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
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I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Guilty! 🤪
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.