Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
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[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
i’m sure it’s fine
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER