German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
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Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Thoughts
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you