Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
You Might Also Like
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
“you recording!?”
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Print is alive and well!!!
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.